That’s Not my Slip, It’s my Geek

I believe that the best invention of the last fifty years is hands-down, the iPod.  I could never imagine walking around as a kid, with that bulky cassette player clipped to my pants that someday I would be able hold thousands of songs in my pocket.  In fact, in the eighties, they took it the opposite direction and some people thought carrying around a boombox the size of a suitcase was the way to go.  No thank you.  I like my music loud but not backache inducing. 

My iPod has since given way to my iPhone.  I really can’t express how much I love my iPhone.  Music, pictures, apps, internet……..oh and the phone feature.  I laugh every time a new “iPhone killer” is announced.  Killer, shmiller….they are all just playing catch up. 

I will admit I am Apple biased.  Ever since tapping away on the Aplle IIe at Mrs. Mack’s gifted class, I have been a fan.  Of course, at that time a computer in our family was dream that my parents didn’t share.  I used to pick my cereal based on the type of prize you could win…. computer, Atari.  I wonder if my mom ever wondered why there was so much uneaten cereal in the pantry? 

I remained computerless for many years.  My dalliances with Apple were limited to using my sister’s Macintosh (remember the ones with the monitor and drive all in one?) or using the Macs in the college computer labs.  I eventually became the owner of a Mac and subsequently a Macbook for a while.  I once again yearn for a shiny new Macbook Pro or Mac Pro….oh the things we could do together. 

It will happen.  Until then, I will be happy with my wonderful pocket-sized wonder of a gadget…. I think.  I am eagerly awaiting the “big” announcement today to see what fantastic new device Apple is unveiling today.  Word on Nerd Street is that it is a tablet.  That might be right up my alley since I was thinking about buying a netbook.  Should I be embarrassed that I’m so excited about this?  Oh well, iSnob, therefore iAm.

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The Good and the Bad of It

If you recall, last year, a scandal erupted that resulted in husbands and wives knowing what the other was talking about for a few brief moments….and no I’m not talking Tiger.  I’m speaking of Erin Andrews.  ESPN meet Oprah, Oprah..ESPN. 

Erin, an ESPN sportscaster was devastated when videos showing her nude popped up on the internet.  She had been surreptitiously videotaped while she was dressing/undressing in her hotel rooms.  When the story broke, I’m sure there was a momentary disruption in the earth’s rotation as men rushed to their computers to ogle.  I’m sure none of my readers would do such a thing because they are all *ahem* gentlemen…right?

I, the surly one,  have been voyeurized without my knowledge.  I didn’t know about this until years after the fact so it wasn’t earth shattering.  If I had found out at the time, I’m sure my reaction would be different.  I was in high school.  Revenge is at its most pure and potent when served by a teenage girl, no?  Alas, I was none the wiser so the pervs got a free pass.  They really should thank their lucky stars…

When I heard about the Andrews incident, I momentarily felt her pain and commiserated.  To be honest, I had to try a little harder to truly feel more than a smattering of compassion.  Why?  I’m not sure.  Maybe in this day and age of socialite sex tapes and teen texting scandals, I have become jaded.  Maybe I was bothered by how her statements sounded so victim-ish.  I don’t know….but I still tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine how that would feel.  I’m getting ready to settle down for the night…. all alone in my hotel room.  Then this thought pops into my head….”just what is she doing in the video?” 

Remember that Seinfeld show in which Jerry is dating the nudist?  They go through the explanation of “good naked” and “bad naked.”  Hairbrushing, good.  Opening pickle jars, bad.

With my luck, I would be videotaped and it would all be “bad naked.”  You know, clipping my toe nails….. undressing but leaving the socks on………..imagining my 20’s body in the mirror complete with, “this is where they used to be.”  God forbid I slump down on the bed and someone be witness to the crinkled, wrinkled post-baby belly.  Better yet, I would probably end up banging my shin or stubbing my toe leading to a video more suited for YouTube than a porn site.  Yep, it would be very few moments of “good naked” punctuated by an exorbitant amount of “bad naked.” 

Believe me, I know naked.  I am exposed to a Nude-a-palooza in the form of a toddler tornado on a regular basis.  Yes, in this household there is a lot of naked going on.  It ranges from cute naked….”ah little baby butt…hah, hah” to the Oh-the-tales-I-will-tell kind of naked….”ohhhhhh…gees..put your panty back on!  Don’t sit on my pillow!  Eww…..Get over here…over….here…get back here!!”   

I feel that not enough people, men in particular, have the ability to distinguish between “good naked” and “bad naked.”  They seem to go by the credo that “All naked is good naked!”  They couldn’t be further from the truth.  So my friends, today will be a quick lesson in “good naked” and “bad naked” (or nekkid, if you hail from the south).

First off, part of distinguishing the good from the bad has as much to do with your surroundings as well as what you are or aren’t wearing (ie. socks).  No matter how sexy the girl, if she is sitting in a dumpster…well….you get the idea.

Good Naked:

Bad Naked:

Next up, your activity whilst nude helps determine good or bad.  I must say that anything that would make you break a sweat while clothed is pretty much off-limits.  Not to mention anything that brings up the question of, “Is this sanitary?”

Bad Naked:

Good Naked:

Whatever you do, this is never a good idea…..

 

I now send you off into the world with your new found knowledge.  Put your eyeballs back in your head no matter how much they hurt.  Speaking of peepers….for those with Tom-ish leanings remember, it is better to preserve the mystery because the reality could be mentally scarring.  Then again, you get what you deserve.

Happy New Year?

Yes, we’ve all seen this:

In fact, there are a whole slew of videos on YouTube dedicated to the follies of female drivers.  It is irksome, to say the least.  To further squeeze lemon juice onto the papercut,  I ran across this little snippet of information the other day,

Female Scientist Confirms Men Are Better At Parking Than Women.

Yes, you read correctly.  At least I know that I got to that parking space sooner because I can ask directions and/or read a map.  Bitter, you say?  Well, yes.  I take great offense to that because I have always been quite adept at parking.  I parallel parked like a pro on my first attempt when I took my driving test.  I drive a behemoth Suburban which I deftly squeeze into parking spots all the time to the great discomfort of my co-pilots.  I always hear the drawing in of breath when I’m inching closer to the bumper in front of me.  “I got it…I got it.. (big grin)!” 

A smidgen of a sidetrack now.  Suburban…. What is with that name?  It is anything but.  Have you tried navigating that ungainly beast through a city?  It is large and imposing not only to compact parking spots but anyone within a car’s length on the freeway.  It should have a name that evokes its lack of sophistication………….Redneck, Backwoods?  I was recently interviewing for a job that would require driving my own vehicle here and there on a regular basis.  The guy interviewing me asked if I was comfortable driving the Suburban throughout the city.  Maybe it was my look of sheer “you’ve got to be ****ing kidding me…” that didn’t seal the deal.  Maybe I should’ve strapped him to my front bumper, found the nearest mall parking lot and demonstrated my parking prowess.  Think that would’ve gotten me the job?

A new year.  Ahhhhh, so shiny and brimming with promise.  Speaking of promises…. I have made a few to myself.  Not so much resolutions but an effort to make it a great year and hopefully make myself a better human.  Yes, yes…I know, I’m already so wonderful but every gem needs a polish now and then, right?  (On the subject of polishing things.  If you are a fan of Mythbusters, you will know that it is possible to polish a turd.)

I, of course will be keeping track of my journey blogstyle.  I have a new self-improvement blog that I will be kicking off later this week.  I will continue this blog as well as a photoblog and contributing to another mommy blog site that is in the works.  Basically, since I have aspirations of writing and photography I need to be doing both on a regular basis.  Makes sense, eh?

So maybe my Oprah-esque desires for world domination will come to pass.   Of course, Oprah finishes her Favorite Things segments…..