If you recall, last year, a scandal erupted that resulted in husbands and wives knowing what the other was talking about for a few brief moments….and no I’m not talking Tiger. I’m speaking of Erin Andrews. ESPN meet Oprah, Oprah..ESPN.
Erin, an ESPN sportscaster was devastated when videos showing her nude popped up on the internet. She had been surreptitiously videotaped while she was dressing/undressing in her hotel rooms. When the story broke, I’m sure there was a momentary disruption in the earth’s rotation as men rushed to their computers to ogle. I’m sure none of my readers would do such a thing because they are all *ahem* gentlemen…right?
I, the surly one, have been voyeurized without my knowledge. I didn’t know about this until years after the fact so it wasn’t earth shattering. If I had found out at the time, I’m sure my reaction would be different. I was in high school. Revenge is at its most pure and potent when served by a teenage girl, no? Alas, I was none the wiser so the pervs got a free pass. They really should thank their lucky stars…
When I heard about the Andrews incident, I momentarily felt her pain and commiserated. To be honest, I had to try a little harder to truly feel more than a smattering of compassion. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe in this day and age of socialite sex tapes and teen texting scandals, I have become jaded. Maybe I was bothered by how her statements sounded so victim-ish. I don’t know….but I still tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine how that would feel. I’m getting ready to settle down for the night…. all alone in my hotel room. Then this thought pops into my head….”just what is she doing in the video?”
Remember that Seinfeld show in which Jerry is dating the nudist? They go through the explanation of “good naked” and “bad naked.” Hairbrushing, good. Opening pickle jars, bad.
With my luck, I would be videotaped and it would all be “bad naked.” You know, clipping my toe nails….. undressing but leaving the socks on………..imagining my 20’s body in the mirror complete with, “this is where they used to be.” God forbid I slump down on the bed and someone be witness to the crinkled, wrinkled post-baby belly. Better yet, I would probably end up banging my shin or stubbing my toe leading to a video more suited for YouTube than a porn site. Yep, it would be very few moments of “good naked” punctuated by an exorbitant amount of “bad naked.”
Believe me, I know naked. I am exposed to a Nude-a-palooza in the form of a toddler tornado on a regular basis. Yes, in this household there is a lot of naked going on. It ranges from cute naked….”ah little baby butt…hah, hah” to the Oh-the-tales-I-will-tell kind of naked….”ohhhhhh…gees..put your panty back on! Don’t sit on my pillow! Eww…..Get over here…over….here…get back here!!”
I feel that not enough people, men in particular, have the ability to distinguish between “good naked” and “bad naked.” They seem to go by the credo that “All naked is good naked!” They couldn’t be further from the truth. So my friends, today will be a quick lesson in “good naked” and “bad naked” (or nekkid, if you hail from the south).
First off, part of distinguishing the good from the bad has as much to do with your surroundings as well as what you are or aren’t wearing (ie. socks). No matter how sexy the girl, if she is sitting in a dumpster…well….you get the idea.
Next up, your activity whilst nude helps determine good or bad. I must say that anything that would make you break a sweat while clothed is pretty much off-limits. Not to mention anything that brings up the question of, “Is this sanitary?”
Whatever you do, this is never a good idea…..
I now send you off into the world with your new found knowledge. Put your eyeballs back in your head no matter how much they hurt. Speaking of peepers….for those with Tom-ish leanings remember, it is better to preserve the mystery because the reality could be mentally scarring. Then again, you get what you deserve.