Bargain Beauty

Did you know that March 8th was International Women’s Day?  Yes, even my spell checker doesn’t believe me.  It is a day set aside to celebrate the achievement of women past, present and future.  Yeah, I didn’t get the memo.  I spent it at home, doing laundry and taking care of my children.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t have shoes on for most of the day either.

I spent a good part of the morning pondering a Groupon for discount Botox.  How’s that for modern woman hear me roar?  You would’ve been curious as well.  It was only $99.00!  That could be such a bargain….also such a disaster.  What if it is only enough for one eyebrow.  Maybe they get you in there and then do the bait and switch.

“Well, Mrs. Surly Mom, this is going to be a spectacular result over your left eye.  If you want to be balanced though, hand over another four hundred clams!”

Yes, in my mind the discount botox doctor has a vague gangstorial accent and never uses the word “dollars.”  The words dough, moolah and semolians are always at the ready.

That leads me to another thought.  Just how quality is this $99 Botox?  Is it really Botox or upon closer inspection does the box say Botax?  Will I wake up not able to move my eyebrows because my whole forehead is swollen to the proportions of a Neanderthal?

In case you haven’t guessed….I himmed and hawed until the Groupon expired.  If I do go down that road, I’ll suck it up and pay full price.  You know if I am willing to pay full price then I have really made up my mind.

As much as the little crows feet are annoying and that permanent scowl line between my eyebrows frustrates me….. I don’t know if am okay with the inability to emote fully.

I was watching a trailer for the movie, “Rabbit Hole”, starring Nicole Kidman.  I’ve always thought she is a lovely woman.  However, even in that small snippet, I noticed that her forehead didn’t move.  If you don’t know anything about the movie,  she plays the mother of a small child who has died in an accident.  The movie deals with the aftermath.  Extremely emotional stuff……”ugly cry” territory…yet not even a crease up there.  You think she would’ve put down the needle for this movie for full effect.  She did get an Oscar nomination out of it so she must have done something right. (“Oh..emotionless, ice queen…this part is perfect for me.”)

I detest my crow’s-feet.  The responsible party for their very existence is my smile.  Why didn’t my mother teach me that fake Hollywood smile?  You know the one where you are only using the bottom half of your face?  If I started young, this condition wouldn’t be at situation critical.

Instead, I have that big-whole-face-crinkling-of-the-eyes kind of smile that is detrimental to the thin dermis around my ocular area.  I’ve tried the half-smile for pictures…it is hard to master without looking a bit “Barbie-esque.”  So to avoid plastic…I resort to plastic?  Eh.

Oh well…domestic goddess duties call.  I’ll keep my gargantuan grin and be begrudgingly happy with it, wrinkles and all….for now.  On second thought, a quick stop at my inbox before I get busy.

Hello Groupon!

Sasquatch No More

Is it bad that the only reason I shaved my legs the other day was because I was thinking about getting a pedicure? What does that say about me when I don’t want the guy who does my feet to see a cactus under my pant leg but if my husband sees it……eh?

This is the dreaded time of year when you realize just how much you’ve let yourself go over the winter.  Our body comes out of hibernation much like a bear (and almost as hairy as one).  We shed our layers of clothing and reveal the ugly truth.  A bottom to top assessment…

Toes…. eeep, the nail polish is still on there from my last pedicure in October.

Ankles… well, they were pretty prickly but since I shaved for whatshisface they aren’t so bad…

Knees and thighs…hairy, ’cause it’s not shorts season quite yet.

Bikini area… All I will say is I will be wincing and cursing under my breath at the quick and nimble hands of Anna, waxer/sadist extraordinaire, very soon.

Belly… hmmm, abs meet exercise, exercise meet abs (and sun).

I don’t feel like self-assessing anymore. I’ll turn my critical eye to the yard and its out-of-control bushes.

Why this need to spruce everything up?  Why can’t it be good enough to give the yard a make-over and leave our bodies alone?

The truth is…..much like our yards and house…we do it to impress the neighbors.  Who wants to walk around looking like a short-sale fixer upper?  Do men even think this way?  We have been reduced to caring what our feet will look like in a pair of shoes…so we sand and paint them.  We let a complete stranger see us in a compromising position and then let them rip the hair off of our bodies.

What is sad, is that given how ridiculous it all seems, I will still do it.  I will get that pedicure.  I will go and avoid eye contact with Anna.  What do I get out of it?

Besides a bit of pain….it helps me feel good about myself.  Kind of like a house, if you care about it, you do the maintenance.  Of course, I do let myself go a bit otherwise.  I think my compromise is that in the winter months…I get a break from the upkeep.  Au natural..for the most part.

On the subject of  “natural”, I hear men say all the time that they love a natural woman…I’m calling B.S. on that one.  Just what is their idea of natural?  If they only knew the maintenance involved….

Here is the difference between men and women:

Women’s idea of natural:

Men’s idea of natural:

Women’s idea of natural:

Men’s idea:

Did I make my point, whatever it was?  Does it even matter because right now all the guys are glazed over staring and salivating over Little Miss Swimsuit and all of you women are recoiling in horror at the thought of swimsuit season….