Move Aside Queen, or the Claws Come Out!

For those living under a rock, you are hereby given notice that Oprah is hanging up her talk show microphone.  That shocking revelation was disclosed last week…or was it the week before?  Women and a handful of men everywhere are bracing themselves for the end of the television universe as we know it.  Of course we still have a couple years to go before she’s done but might as well drag that farewell out as long as possible…right?

Anyway, that brings up the next burning question…..Who will replace Oprah?  Yes, that, according to almost every network out there is a serious topic worthy of mention….. Since Kanye wasn’t invited to the Country Music Awards and that war is soooooo 2007, we have nothing else to keep our ADD nurtured. 

So, I being the humble servant to the rabble of my faithful readers am graciously throwing my hat into the ring.  I volunteer to squat in the house that Oprah built. 

First order of business…….do something Oprah-esque…….Opti-fast diet…nah…..ugly cry..nope…..

*lightbulb*

The best part of Oprah’s show is the Favorite Things! (insert screaming here)  Since Oprah tightened up her purse strings this year and did away with the Favorite Things show….I will appease the masses.  Everybody reach under your chair………kidding.  Hey, this is a low-budget production.  All you are finding under your chairs are dust bunnies or if you are sitting in my house you are finding old goldfish crackers, a pen and a linty cat toy (no, those aren’t my favorite things.)

I am going to break my favorite things into two categories, girly and mannish, which surprisingly could also describe a tranny but that’s for another blog. 

Whiskers on kittens….

Just like Oprah, I’m regularly bombarded by requests for my beauty secrets.  Unfortunately, this never-ending harrassment has led to a serious lack of sleep and general upkeep on my behalf.  I am now a haggardly shell of the vivacious woman I once was…but on the days I do have it together, I use the following:

Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil-  My cousin, Tara, turned me on to this stuff and I love it!  Yes, you can clean your face with oil but I would recommend leaving the auto variety in the garage for those of the cheapskate nature.  It is a bit pricey but a little goes a long way and they make it in several variations according to your skin concerns.

Shu-Uemura Eyelash Curler-  Simply the best curler out there.  Sure, Revlon makes a decent cheaper one but really, how often do you buy these?  Well worth the money because this one won’t leave your lashes with that weird crimp line.

Tweezerman Slant Tweezer-  Great for eyebrows or splinters.  I would recommend hiding it when not in use so it doesn’t end up in the garage or elsewhere.  Kind of like your good scissors.

Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey-  This product came out a few years back.  It is not quite a gloss and not as heavy as a lipstick, something in between.  The color looks dark but goes on sheer and it looks great on anyone…even trannies. 

M.A.C. Lipstick-  Hands down the best lipstick out there.  They always have a fantastic selection of colors.  My favorite finish is the Lustre but you can buy it in Matte, Creme, Glaze…etc.  Be forewarned, if you decide to brave the M.A.C. counter at Nordrstom’s, speak up and bring some makeup wipes.  You may need to tone it down when you leave or the talent scouts for Cirque Du Soleil might hit you up on your way out.  They always need new clowns.

The North Face TKA100 Hoodie- Since moving to Phoenix, I have not had as much use for my North Face Denali fleece (which come in a hoodie version this year!) because it is so warm.  I found this last year and absolutely love it.  It is made out of a Polartec lightweight fleece (100) is designed to keep you looking like a woman and has my favorite feature, monkey thumbs no, that isn’t an alternative term for anything.  If I could, I would buy four more in different colors.

I know the hoodie isn’t really a beauty product but I had nowhere else to put it.  Anyway, I was wearing it last week when I was asked for my I.D. when purchasing a bottle of wine.  Now according to the button on the clerk they I.D. anyone under 30.  Hey, I’ll take thirty.  I, of course, acted all non-chalant when showing him my I.D., as if this happens all the time.  Whatever you do, don’t bring attention to the fact that you are more Cougarville than Kittenville.  In my case, I need all the mystery I can muster.

I have decided to break this blog into two parts, so manly things are on tomorrow’s blog.  You must come back and read for a chance to win one of my favorite things.  More details on that tomorrow.  In the meantime, I will be very distracted by the knowledge that Lance Armstrong and the rest of the Radio Shack cycling team are tooling around Tucson for training.  *sigh*  First my favorite QB, Brett was in the valley of the sun and now Lance is just a hop, skip and two hour car ride away……… I will put my stalker-ish leanings aside and be content with the fact that they, like me,  are also more Cougar than Kitten.  Meow.

 

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